Fear and envy, what a pair
“Mom is going out with a friend tonight, I think I’m gonna play Wakfu while she’s gone. Or, maybe I should start SWTOR instead. What do you think?”
He didn’t answer me.
“Maybe I’ll call a friend while I’m at it.”
Still no answer.
“Or I could read a book and pretend I’m in that world too.”
Was he even listening to me?
“I’ve gotta do something while she’s gone, or else I’m gonna just mope around and feel sorry for myself.”
Soren listened to me rambling without commenting. I wanted him to say something, but he didn’t, and we just sat there for several minutes.
“I’m going to have a pool at my house,” I remarked. “Then whenever I feel like this, I can just float in the water and watch the sky.”
Soren chuckled, “will that help your envy?”
“My what?”
“Your envy, or is it jealousy?”
I just stared at him, “I don’t remember the difference.”
“Jealousy is when you feel resentful, bitter, or hostile towards someone who has something you don’t. Envy is less negative but similar in which you wish you were the other person, like you admire them.”
“Oh.”
“So,” He looked at me, “which is it?”
“What?”
“Are you jealous or envious?”
“Of whom?”
Soren chuckled, “Of your mother.”
I blinked, “What are you talking about? I barely mentioned her.”
“You said she was going out with a friend to a concert.”
“Yeah, so?”
“And now you need to do something because she’s not around, right?”
“Yes.”
“Something ‘fun’ so you can feel like your life isn’t boring.”
“Okay, and?”
“Because you don’t want to deal with your envy or jealousy.”
One of the things I loved about Soren was that he was so perceptive, but I also hated that he saw too much. I didn’t want to talk about my mom or my feelings, and yet Soren kept finding ways to bring them up.
“Does it matter?” I countered, “Whether I’m jealous or envious isn’t going to change anything.”
“It isn’t?”
Now I felt like getting mad, “Why must you always bring up my feelings?! None of it matters anyway, I can’t change any of it.”
“Are you sure?”
I could hit him, I really could. One moment he’s saying all kinds of profound things and the next he’s using tiny sentences like he’s clueless.
I stood up, “I’m going to go do something, like play a game.”
“Listen,” He stood up too, “if you don’t want it to bother you so much, you need to learn to stop running and face it head on.”
I just stared at him. I was tired of dealing with my emotions, but he had a point. Being here with her was my current situation whether I liked it or not, I might as well learn how to deal with the roller coasters of emotions that she evoked in me.
“What do you have in mind?”
Soren stood up and strode past me, “call me when you get angry enough to do some metallurgy, and we can talk.”
“I’ll show you angry.” I grumbled as I followed after him.
He was right, I was envious of her because she could hang out with friends whenever she wanted, and she didn’t have to figure out how to ask for permission. I wanted that, craved it really, but it didn’t seem like something I would get anytime soon. Plus, I was too tired to fight back and “start a revolution” like everyone kept urging me to do. I was angry that I was in a cage but also scared of what might happen if I escaped. Sound stupid? Well… you try living like this for 22 years and get back to me.
Fear and envy, what a pair.